Self-fulfilling prophecy...or was it true all along?
Years ago, on a Sunday afternoon, a woman approached our table at Long John Silver's restaurant. She very politely said, "Excuse me," as she tapped me on my shoulder. I turned to look up at her, smiling, as I said, "Yes?" She then proceeded to say, "I just wanted to tell you...." At this point I smiled a bit wider, waiting for the compliment that I knew was coming. For years people had complimented Jim and me on how well behaved our children were at restaurants and I thought this was to be more of the same (even though our youngest at the time was not too happy at our choice of restaurant and was giving off some attitude). "...that you are the WORST mother I have EVER seen." She then looked at my husband and kids and said, "I feel sorry for you. I really do. I am so sorry that you have to live with this. I will be praying for you." She then walked away.
I was speechless. My kids were wide-eyed as they sat there and stared at me. Tears welled up in my eyes ... the pain in my heart was so bad it was difficult to breathe. Truly? I was the worst mother she had ever seen? I frantically looked at my husband and managed to whisper, "Am I?" I replayed that past few minutes in my mind, trying to find what actions I had done that may have precipitated that "attack." I had to speak firmly to my son, who as I stated earlier was not happy with our dining choice. I remember telling him to eat, that he liked chicken and he'd eaten chicken at that restaurant before...that he didn't always get to choose where we eat ... to stop whining. I remember telling him that if he wasn't going to eat, fine...but to let the rest of us enjoy our meals and that no amount of crying or whining would change the fact that we were at that restaurant and we had our food in front of us....
Anyway, I have had that woman's words in my head for the past 6 years or so. My husband has assured me over and over that they are NOT true. But today, as I look over the past 17 years, I begin to wonder...
My kids are good kids, I know they are. But I look at them and see so much that they are not, because of me. Because of my (bad) example. Things I didn't follow through with when I homeschooled have affected the kind of student they are today. I feel them pulling away from me with each passing day. Choices have been made that are irrevocable, with life-long lasting consequences. Oh, some of it is normal teenage angst, but other stuff ... oh the other stuff I know that I have caused. There is a chasm between myself and each of the teenagers ...deep and unforgiving. I don't know how to bridge it, to cross it ... to fill it in and get my children back. My heart is breaking.
My toddler ... well now, that is an entirely new story. I have no control over him. He is head strong, defiant, willful, intelligent, controlling ... the list goes on. Discipline - I don't know how anymore. So many days, I just want to give in. I prayed for this child (I prayed to conceive all of my children ... infertility issues) for so long and I know I am blessed to have him. But ... I do not feel he is blessed to have me. He is three years old and spends his entire day in front of the television. Some good mama I am. He knows fast food places better than any meal I have ever cooked for him. Nutrition? hardly. I am too lazy to keep trying new fruits and veggies with him, when he won't eat them anyway.
So, anyway - today I was just pondering. Was this lady correct in approaching me all those years ago? Was I coming across so horrible when talking to my son in that restaurant? Is this really who I am? Or, did those words so permanently embed themselves in my heart and mind that I was unable to escape them, thus ensuring they would become truth?
*sigh* As you might be able to tell (you? who are you? I have no idea who might read this blog because I so rarely write on it anymore), I am struggling today. Struggling with my parenting, with my housekeeping, with my self-worth, with my value .... I know God loves me, but today...today I am having trouble accepting it. Today I just don't know why. He can do so much better than me.
I could go on and on with my thoughts, but I think that perhaps I should stop. Maybe I'll spend time in prayer, even though it feels like I am talking to a wall.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Me - SAHM with a wonderful husband and 3 great kids! God has blessed me abundantly and is currently leading me through a very low valley - just to show me that all I need is Him. "Lord, empty me of me so I can be filled with You." - Chris Sligh
Oh, Honey, I'm so, so sorry you are struggling with this.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to some of it as well. I think all mothers struggle with it.
YOU, and YOU were chosen to be the mother to YOUR children. God wouldn't have given them to you if he didn't think you'd love them and be capable of caring for them.
Don't listen to what others think.
Saying a prayer for you. =)
You, my friend, are NOT a horrible mother, and how dare that woman have ever said something like that... to anyone! No one has the right to judge another like that, especially when they know NOTHING of you.
ReplyDeleteThings you don't like about yourself or your parents? You CAN change them. It's NEVER too late. Make yourself change them!
Kids are selfish, unappreciative, and wonderful. Yours are GOOD, non-troublemakers... because of you! Learn what they like...truly listen...be there for them & with them!
You are loved, my friend.
Sandra, The enemy is filling your head with LIES!!! He is twisting & turning your thoughts, other people's words, and maybe some of the actions your kids are going through into horrible thoughts in your mind! You, my friend, are a WONDERFUL person, a GREAT mother, an AWESOME human being! Don't listen to that crap! My boys probably play too many video games, spend too much time on the computer, watch too much tv, don't eat enough fruit/veggies, have to much junk food, don't clean up after themself...but that's what kids/teens do. It doesn't mean that you turned them into BAD kids because of the way you mothered them. DON'T LISTEN TO THAT! I think the enemy is working OVER-TIME on families and marriages right now. I myself have had a HORRID two weeks w/ worry, fear, doubt, trust, faith, and more. Probably the worst 2 weeks of my life. And I'm still struggling at this moment. I'm trying to give it to God and trust Him...but I'm having a hard time trusting PEOPLE. If you pray for me, I'll pray for you sister! And let's tell the enemy to get the heck out of our life! Love you!
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. We all struggle with this in one form or another and one degree or another.
ReplyDeleteI just watched a very encouraging video by one of my new favorite authors. He said there is not person on the earth that has it all together--only those who may be better dressed. We have this unfair image that there are a few people who really have it "all together". I do know that I used to have this same heavy burden of ruining everything I touch. I went so far as to have a phobia of hugging or touching others for fear of my cursed hands cursing them. So if I touched them I prayed for them to even stuff out. It was a lie I believed.
I had to give it up when I discovered that God loves me even if I mess everything up. When I realized he loves me unconditionally then I know He must know how to fix what I have messed up. I'm not going to get to a place where I don't mess up and I'm not going to get to a place where He stops loving me.